Boundaries

By Dean Attwood, Mindset and Performance Coach and Anxiety Expert

Are you a people pleaser? Someone who needs constant acceptance from others?

Are you going through a crisis or a personal development stage in your life?

Have you recently had a change of circumstances?

Removing addiction from your life, moving away from or coming back home, have won some money or now make a lot more money or perhaps the complete opposite, you are experiencing a scarcity of money…

Basically, areas of large life change.

These changes may require you to instil new personal boundaries, ones which will need to be communicated clearly and may need patience and strength to maintain, especially in the early days. They can also make you feel very lonely, particularly in the cases of addiction where you are, for example now choosing to stay away or to block certain people.

Do you ‘feel’ guilty for saying no?

Are you using other people to make you feel happy by people pleasing?

‘People pleasing’ can be a powerful but unhealthy way of getting external validation or using the constant acceptance of others to back up your decisions.

By choosing these actions you receive an addictive dopamine hit each time you feel you are helping. Short term whilst you are ‘helping’ you will feel better, although falsely secure. But the need for more dopamine will continue, and as your self-esteem falters, that need will keep growing and in turn will shape your actions.

*I am most certainly not saying don’t help people, for I feel very strongly and believe that a massive part of our lives is to help and to give, but it must be done in a healthy way!

When we say no or stay loyal and dedicated to our true authentic selves, we don’t initially receive that dopamine hit, in fact, we can get a negative hit, we can feel uncertain, uncomfortable and even guilty.

However, this feeling will only last a very short time, get used to it for it will soon go.

Get used to the uncertainty and stand your ground.

No means no!

How do you tolerate to being treated?

Are you inadvertently, through your actions ‘Training’ others on how to treat you?

How could I be doing that, you may ask?

Here is one example; If someone from work calls you late in the evening and you answer, and this happens over and over…. You are saying “it's ok to keep calling me late at night”.

So, people call you late, because you keep answering. People will get away with what you allow.

People ask you to do work beyond what you are able to do, because you keep saying yes.

If people think you never need rest, is it because you always act like you don’t need rest?

Food for thought – You’ve heard the saying “If you want work to be done, give it to a busy person…”

I appreciate this is subjective, but my direction here is to get you to think and feel on you! Your needs, your energy, your mental health, you, you, you.

Are your needs being upheld in a healthy or toxic way?

Are you saying yes simply to be liked, but in the process are you losing more and more self-respect and self-worth?

A lot of people are selfish and may in turn manipulate you to get what they want.

Their behaviour is all about them, whether it’s; kindness, generosity, empathy, projection, control, narcissism etc.

Your response, however, says everything about you, your belief in your value & your needs.

You have no obligation of taking care of their emotional needs.

Although we can be manipulated into this, which, is a choice and if left unchecked can become a serious toxic habit.

Remember you are enough!

If pushed, push back.

When you set a boundary, the other person has a right to not like it and they probably won’t, especially if you have recently changed your mind on what you have historically set in place. That doesn’t make you wrong for changing it as long as your communication is clear and concise.

Remember, it is also not other people’s responsibility to set and uphold your boundaries.

-If you betray yourself in order to be liked by someone – It is not a healthy relationship.

-If it is costing you your inner peace, it is far too expensive.

-It is ok to take space and even go ‘no contact’. Pull away, create space give yourself time.

If they don’t like it or don’t like you – Woohoo! That makes more space for people who do and for people who will. Other people do not think about us anywhere near the amount we think they do.

So please, on so so many levels, stop giving a shit what people think.